


if tsukishima kei had a diary, this would not be it

by contagionangel



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff, M/M, i am full of jokes about the kinsey scale and none of them are funny, just pure pointless fluff, seriously expect no Meaningful Content here this is pure indulgence i wrote to cheer myself up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 02:52:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8648878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/contagionangel/pseuds/contagionangel
Summary: 'Hormones are stupid.' he tells his journal. 'Now reconsidering to Kinsey 5. Theoretically. Upon reflection, cannot think of heterosexual incidents to fulfill criteria of incidental heterosexual tendencies.'Five of Tsukishima's unfortunate crushes, and the rather fortunate resolution.





	

**Author's Note:**

> snippets of exasperated adventures in being super gay.

I.

Because Kei isn't secretly a huge dork, there isn't a plush stegosaurus in his closet with a hidden zipper in its back, and even if there is, there's not something so juvenile and lame as a diary tucked in it.

It's a _journal._

He tries to start a list of reasons why Nishinoya-san is ridiculous and tacky and not at all cool. Kicked back on his bed, listening to some American band his cousin had sent him a bunch of mp3s of, chewing on the gel pen he was too lazy to replace with a plain one, he wracks his brain for things to put down.

Among the reasons not to grin when Nishinoya jumps up to give him a noogie, not to get a private thrill out of teasing him, are 'loud' and 'acts like he thinks he's a character in an anime'. 'Unironic meme shirts' finds its way onto the list. 'Why does he bleach that one tiny bit??' and 'he tried to carry Asahi-san (succeeded, how strong is he? he could break me in half?)' later, he gives up. Nishinoya is actually pretty cool in one of those next-level ways that Kei is wise enough not to try and approach.

Still, even if Nishinoya doesn't seem like an entirely heterosexual guy, Kei can't even begin to picture the crush going anywhere. Actually acknowledging the crush for what it is seems to be what actually does the trick in helping it fizzle a little. Feeling the weird private fixation ease is a relief.

He goes back and adds a lightning bolt to the page periodically. It's a mark for every time his stomach flops a little and he has to fix his flat look and tone in place before he calls out "Nice save."

It's still pretty nice when, one practice, he lowkey mumbles "You're pretty cool, Nishinoya-senpai." and gets a slow-dawning beam as the words sink in. Even if he outwardly retracts the statement a dozen times during the ensuing noogie.

II.

'Enjoy making captain laugh too much. Tentatively relabeling as Kinsey 4.' he jots in his no-nonsense penmanship. 'At least this time it's a straight guy.'

He knows he has a problem with giving up, but he legitimately doesn't have the time or energy to attempt a relationship, much less one fraught with the extra difficulties of being gay. Having a good excuse to fall into his habit of taking the path of least resistance is, if not something he's applying to volleyball anymore, useful for taking a frank approach to waiting out crushes. He thanks his hormones or his feelings or whatever creates this illogical phenomena for always picking the inaccessible.

Until it fades, he can still enjoy pulling startled, sincere chuckles out of Sawamura-san, who clearly wants to be responsible and not encourage Kei's assholery but can't always help himself. It's pleasing. There's no law against fun.

III.

'May have overestimated captain's heterosexuality.' he writes. The past week has aged him. He's got deep circles under his eyes. They suit him, emphasizing any sullenness he wields, but he prefers being fresh-faced and well-rested.

'Context: Sugawara crush curse.' Kei adds. He knew about the curse and had rolled his eyes and dismissed it. It was, perhaps, the most embarrassing instance of underestimating something he'd experienced, bar that he'd underestimated Hinata. 'Common theme: Upperclassmen? Nice laughs? Or should this be considered an outlier because of the curse?'

Finally, reluctantly, he caves and writes the most embarrassing part. 'Left anonymous notes for Sugawara. Was not anonymous enough. Found out more than I wanted to know when he pulled me aside to apologize and officially turn down.'

He stops and thinks for a moment, breath pausing, as something occurs to him.

Kei is becoming more shameless over time. So he goes ahead and adds it.

'Hormones def involved now. Those two? Damn.'

"Nothing gay about that. Just guys bein' dudes." he deadpans to himself. Then he texts it to Yamaguchi, because he knows Yamaguchi's at an awkward family dinner where he isn't supposed to check texts at the table, and Yamaguchi always loves it when Kei sends things during those that make him have to excuse himself to the bathroom to laugh himself sick.

IV.

Steggy is, possibly, judging him. He gives the plushie his best judging stare back. Then he realizes that he's being lame, so he stops.

'Hormones are stupid.' he tells his journal. 'Now reconsidering to Kinsey 5. Theoretically. Upon reflection, cannot think of heterosexual incidents to fulfill criteria of incidental heterosexual tendencies.'

Even to his very, very private journal, he can't bring himself to record the wet dream. It's normal for his age, but still. He consoles himself by puzzling Kageyama through clinically polite speech and behavior, and within a few days, he's desensitized again and can bicker without being reminded of the dream.

His subconscious had decided to turn a typical fight into angry makeouts with the King pinned against the wall.

It had done weirder things. It even proceeded to do weirder things, deciding that his next round of recurring stress nightmares would involve Tanaka's nasty gym shoes coming to life. Mention of that definitely made it into the journal, because he'd found a way to say so, dry, that had left the rest of his senpai and Yamaguchi caught in a wave of laughter. And Tanaka had been embarrassed enough to start taking care of his damn shoes. A net win.

V.

'Why boys? Boys are gross.' he laments. Well. Hinata, oddly enough, seems to look after his hygiene pretty well, so he doesn't usually smell too bad. Even Yamaguchi has a bit of the sour undertone of teenage-boy-smell, although Kei's become fond of it.

'Feelings are lame. Look forward to outgrowing this. Idiot #2 can never know.'

It hadn't actually felt good at all to let himself go blank, tell Hinata that he was insulted by the recurring declarations of "That's cool, Tsukishima! You look good!", but his sanity had been cracking. The last hormonal dream had included actual dicks. He could take hormones being weird or he could take being blindsided by an ill-considered crush, but he was not going to put up with both.

'Considering taking up poker.' is an essential note to add. It shouldn't be a relief that he's dealing with this and yet isn't going stupid with it like Tanaka (and, to be fair, Nishinoya) does over girls. He's still fairly in control of himself, that incident with the Sugawara curse aside.

And he'd already been privately irked to be impressed over his teammates' hot-blooded feats. Adding the unfortunate discovery of how very gay he is has just deepened the grudging nature of his respect and camraderie.

VI.

"Oh my god. Tadashi." he says, skewing his glasses when he puts a hand over his eyes. "You have to see this. Don't tell anyone."

"Tsukki?" Tadashi looks bemused. Kei wants to count all the freckles that shift over his nose when he gives that warm, fond look.

His childhood bed creaks as they sit, tipsy, and lean on each other. The hidden zipper in the plush toy's back sends Tadashi's eyebrows for his hairline, and the sight of the journal sends him giggling.

"Really, Tsukki?" he asks.

"Shut up, Tadashi." he says, in that way that's burned into him through repetition to the point that he probably says it in his sleep.

"Sorry, Tsukki!" Tadashi winks at him. Kei gives a wry smile back, because. Some quiet and warm place in him is so, so glad that the habitual apology had turned cheeky rather than sincere a long time ago.

Kei takes another swig of the flask as Tadashi reads.

"Noya? Really?" asks Tadashi, outright shaking with stifled laughter. He wipes a tear from his eye. "No, no!" he manages at Kei's pout, the thoughtful shake of said flask. "No, I get it, me too. I'd just assumed you were above getting obvious crushes like that, somehow."

It was uncertain for Kei what had motivated Noya to grin and unsubtly pass a full flask to him at graduation, much less for the contents to be tequila, but Noya had, undeniably, become even cooler over the years. Even to the point where Kei didn't feel weird at the gift, which would have felt creepy from anyone else.

"Ohh." Tadashi sighs, eyes crinkled near-shut from the force of his smile. It makes Kei press a kiss to the corner of one of those eyes just because he can, which sets Tadashi off giggling again. "I forgot about the Sugawara Curse. How did I forget about the Sugawara curse?" He pauses. "Wait, no, can I text this part to Shouyou? 'May have overestimated captain's heterosexuality.'"

"Please don't." says Kei, as prim as he can manage, too warm tucked along Tadashi's side but loving it. "I might have to do that one thing."

"Oh noooo, not the thing!" Tadashi replies, cackling, until Kei buries his face in his boyfriend's neck and elicits a flush and squeal. "Noooo, Tsukki, that tickles! Okay! I won't text Shouyou about what I see in your old diary."

With utmost mock dignity, Kei pushes his glasses up his nose and goes, "It's a _journal_."

That makes Tadashi surge up to kiss him, bubbling with giggles against Kei's lips, and Steggy goes with them to their shared college apartment, and it might not feel real, but Kei lives in the future and the future is way cool.

END

**Author's Note:**

> this is pretty weak and i couldn't think of how to expand on each section, so if you think anything in it is worth stealing, please go for it. and share the results. thanks.


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